Welcome, everyone, to this week’s Liquored-Up Let’s Play!
Regardless of what the doctor on staff says, and against the better judgement of the girls and boys in corporate, we’ve decided to go ahead and push forward with the series. We hope you enjoy!
Swigs Taken: 0
There’s a fine line between what I like to drink and what I’m willing to drink, and this week’s refreshment is so far over the line it makes me physically ill to think about. Thanks to input from LobsterMuffin and my editor, the name of the game tonight is Assassins Creed II and a jug of Carlos Rossi Burgundy wine. That pit in my stomach? Yeah, that’s impending doom. I’m the furthest thing from a wine snob you’ll ever find, unless hating it all is a valid opinion, but even I understand the difference between a decent vintage and this swill, which costs about $2.00 per liter. PER LITER.
Swigs Taken: 2
As I pour the first glass and load up Steam, a giant monkey wrench in the form of a UPlay prompt is thrown into my best laid plans. It’s a curious thing, requiring players to sign up for an account and then telling them a profile couldn’t be generated due to lack of available servers. I’m of the opinion that enough online parties have all my personal information, and damned if UPlay gets the better of me.
They did. It was too early in the night to break the screen out of frustration. They got a fake name, a fake email, and a string of curses in the bio. Take that, Ubisoft!
Swigs Taken: 5
Assassins Creed II came out in 2009, but a discrepancy in graphics can’t rightfully explain why Lucy’s mouth looks like her jaw could unhinge at any second and swallow my soul. She wakes me from the animus (after a particularly funky birthing scene with quick-time events) and I immediately become acquainted with the pavement in the parking lot as a horde of Abstergo employees (overtime accountants, maybe) beat me straight to hell.
Swigs Taken: 9
A ride in the trunk and a couple of forced NPC interactions later and I’m back in Italy, perusing both the streets and ladies as notoriously-handsome Ezio Auditore da Firenze. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a game in which the protagonist was a truly ugly individual. Just once I want to play as Steve Buscemi, possibly with a bad case of acne. Throw in the voice acting of Gilbert Godfrey and I’ll buy at least three copies.
I’m getting the impression that 15th Century Italy is way too relaxed with their rampant number of street fights. Seriously, I’ve killed maybe 30 people and no one seems to mind. I’ve stolen from more dead bodies than your local chapter of grave robbers and I have yet to see my name on a poster, newsletter, or sticky note.
Swigs Taken: 15
I got to meet some hot chick, her father, and master of the Dan Brown books, Leonardo da Vinci. I don’t mind a historically-accurate videogame (not that I’d know the difference, I was a Psych major), it makes me feel like I’m learning something. Don’t worry, I’m not.
And things got a wee bit darker. Assassins Creed seems to have thrown me a curveball, having gone straight from making me collect feathers for a short kid to watching the men of my family (and the short kid) hang from the gallows. I’ll be honest, this was a bit surprising. Then again, the slow pace of the game overall is making me sleepy.
Swigs Taken: 18
Try as I might I can’t figure out Ubisoft’s official position on prostitution. They (prostitutes…and Ubitsoft, I suppose) seem to play a vital piece of the game; they allow me hide among their bodacious ranks to avoid capture, and I can hire them to distract scores of otherwise stabby guards, yet they are still so very easy to rob and there doesn’t seem to be much consequence in doing so, regardless or not if they’re my allies. It’s a mixed message, really, and I’m easily confused.
I hate wine, so so much…
Swigs Taken: 20
I stepped aside and handed T the controller, which proved to be a big mistake. When given the chance, T becomes what you’d call a kleptomaniac. Twenty minutes of pickpocketing (and not much else) left us with a purse full of florins. I’m fairly certain everybody back then had purses. I should get a purse.
I’m not gonna get a purse, but I’m sold on the wrist blade. Aside from a handful of probable scenarios in which I bleed out in the bathroom, but I’m pretty sure I could put the rest of it to good use.
Swigs Taken: 30
My life as an assassin has begun. With the murder of my family (and that short kid) avenged, I travel forth to earn my way in the world of super-killers. I almost fell off the roof during the big kill, but the tight embrace of gravity couldn’t stop me. A couple good thrusts and an intimate one-on-one with the fat man (that…came out wrong) were my reward, and I savored it sweetly.
It’s time to get some food in my stomach.
Swigs Taken: 30 + 2 beers
Neither the soothing power of Coors Lite or a Bic Mac were enough to quell the undoubtedly red typhoon raging in my stomach. The puke at the base of a Prius attests to such a foul tempest, and I feel like it may be time to turn in.
Conclusion: Despite the oddly proportioned facial features and lagging response time during the parkour runabouts, Assassins Creed II does alright in my book. Sure, my books smells like fermented grape juice and sadness, but hell, whose doesn’t? Bottom line: the game is cheap enough by now to warrant at least half a playthrough, and if nothing else just keep replaying the birth scene.
So concludes another installment of Liquored-Up Let’s Play! Join us next week for more. And don’t forget: Only you can prevent forest fires and suggest next week’s content!