6 Of The Most Insultingly Stupid Gaming Accessories Available Today

October 24, 2014 by

Put away that wallet and join me as we review the latest list of horrible gaming accessories! Read on to learn more!

We all occasionally fall victim to the innate consumer lodged deep within our soul. We see a collector’s edition with enhanced graphics and a new map, or a game-inspired controller for just a little bit more than the standard issue, and we’re inclined to dig into our pockets for the credit card before saner heads prevail. This trend is unavoidable, and it’s one reason fiascoes like the Nintendo Power Glove even had a chance to exist in the first place.

We’re all suckers for shiny things, and when those hunks of plastic and heavy metals happen to be game-centered, we lose absolutely all self-control, so I’ve taken it upon my self to compose a list of the most worthless crap out there today so that you may better avoid it in your various travels.

#6. Goji Play

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Oh look, a color scheme we all know and love!

First on our list is the Goji Play. Two mountable button pads and a little monitor clip attach to you and whatever piece of gym equipment you’re currently sweating on, all the while syncing up to your tablet of choice (so long as that tablet is an iPad) to deliver a fun gaming experience that melts away the minutes of torturous exertion you insist on enduring at the local gym.

Why It Should Offend You

Unless you’re one of those boldfaced liars with a 13K sticker on the back of your Subaru, you understand that working out can generally be categorized as anything but fun. Running till your thighs bleed and doing deadlifts to the point of testicular torsion isn’t meant to be something encouraged by our limited physiology, and making me do it while simultaneously racing horribly-rendered jets skis on an iPad only pours salt in the wound (the thigh wound, mind you).

#5. Xbox One Remote

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Streamlined for efficiency, colored for losing in the dark

With the release of the latest round of consoles came the subsequent flood of first and third party additions and accessories. Headsets, controller modifications, and official gaming stands flooded the market. Among the influx of overpriced gadgetry came the Microsoft Xbox One Media Remote. A slick, backlit remote with intuitive interface and a direct link to the Xbox One. Whew, good move, Microsoft. For a second there I didn’t think there’d be any way to control my errant piece of gameplay tech.

Why It Should Offend You

Oh, wait, there totally is. Not only did the console come with a controller that can do everything the remote can (and more), but the console alone allows me to control it through both voice and kinect commands. Right out of the box comes three separate forms of communication with the system, so why for the love of god would I need to spend an additional $25.00 on yet another peripheral piece of plastic that I’d more than likely end up losing between the couch cushions anyways?

#4. U.S. Army Bluetooth Throat Mic Headset

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I mean, yeah…if you WANT to look like an ass.

The evolution of communal gameplay and the birth of online multiplayer brought around the necessitated use of headsets and other forms of communication within the gaming community. With the people’s demand to hear and be heard came a swift response from marketing, and soon the shelves were lined with headsets of all colors, shapes, and sizes. Not wanting to miss out on that sweet, sweet revenue (and free recruitment marketing), the glorious United States Army threw their dog into the fight with a Bluetooth Throat Mic. This glorious bit of tech situates around your neck, and the single bud sits in the ear of your choosing, how versatile! For the following, let’s assume everyone you play online with has one.

Why It Should Offend You

You know what’s better than hearing your teammates clearly and crisply through a decent set of over-ear headphones while simultaneously relaying orders through an equally decent, directional, built-in microphone? Hearing the static, gurgled throat-wheezing  of whatever fat kid you’re playing Call of Duty with, while simultaneously cramming the single earbud into your skull and attempting not to choke on the stranglehold your throat mic has on you. I suppose this appeals to a very select group of collared sexual deviants, but even then, wouldn’t they still prefer better audio quality? Oh, and good luck forgetting who’s sponsoring this $35.00 fetish inspired choke out, since “U.S. Army” is plastered on any part with enough surface area to hold the damn sticker.

#3. Wii U Pro Controller

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Huh…it looks so vaguely familiar…

While appealing to both a younger crowd and the child at heart in all of us, the Wii and Wii U run the gambit of falling victim to one of Nintendo’s greatest flaws: a wretched controller schematic. If you were a fan of the controllers from the Gamecube or Nintendo 64, stop reading now and go evaluate your life choices because we have nothing further in common. Anyways, in order to avoid such a pitfall, Nintendo commissioned the creation of the Wii U Pro Controller, a modern-style model of pure, physical perfection, perfect for all those tense Wii U games (*pfftt*).

Why It Should Offend You

Hey, Wii U fans, the four of you better cover up your ears because this is really going to step on your delicate toes/sensibilities. Nothing attests to Nintendo’s massive insecurity with their own products more so than this controller. The fact that, upon release, they marketed a device that basically resembles an Xbox controller with a confused analog stick and labeled it as the only “Pro” accessory in the series shows just how little they actually believe in the seriousness of their console. If they don’t believe in it, why the hell should you? Want to go “Pro”? Buy a damn Xbox One or PS4.

#2. ROCCAT Apuri Active USB Hub

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I’d only consider it if there was a turret in there somewhere..

Resting on three sturdy legs and aglow with neon blue LEDs sits the ROCCAT Apuri Active USB Hub. With four USB 2.0 ports and a mouse cord bungie to enable a snag-free gaming experience, the Apuri stands as one of a kind in the field of PC gaming peripherals. It’s sleek design and doubtless functionality clear up the clutter of cords on your battlestation, leaving you ready to make the swiftest of mouse movements without fear of a tangle.

Why It Should Offend You

Behold, the greatest advancement in cord-managing technology since…wireless. Oh yeah, wait, why the hell does anyone have corded anythings anymore? This is a perfect example of just how plastic-hungry the average consumer can be. When was the last time you had a mouse cord snag on all that desk detritus, and what was the end result? Surely it wasn’t catastrophic enough to warrant this constantly lit, $35.00 eye sore. As for the USB ports (old news with USB 2.0, by the way), isn’t that simply inviting MORE CORDS into the proximity of your mouse? This is one of the most self-defeating pieces of tech (and I urp slightly when using that title) on the market to date.

#1. HipShotDot

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Bro…come on

Ever feel like aiming down the scope of a gun in your favorite FPS just isn’t real enough? Do you find yourself wishing that red dot sight was just a little bit…redder? well boy do I have the solution for you. Allow me to introduce the HipShotDot, an LED light with a suction cup that you stick to the middle of your television during intense bouts of Battlefield or Call of Duty to simulate a real laser sight for whatever gun you happen to be toting around.

Why It Should Offend You

…It’s a $25.00 cat toy  taped to your television for games that ALREADY HAVE A RED DOT FEATURE. If I have to explain why this takes first place in the “stupidest piece of gaming gear available on the market” competition, then you probably already own one and should get your head examined because you’ve definitely been huffing too much lead paint.

About Johnny Ohm

When his nose isn't diligently to the grindstone, Johnny can be found skulking around the dark corners of San Francisco's many pubs. You can contact Johnny via Twitter or ouija board.
  • Jay Rue

    Love how the Author mocks people that own a Wiiu, Like he is a god of gamers.

    Hate to tell you but that controller is one of the best I have ever used, And I’ve used it on many of games over the last few years, Sounds like you are pissed cause you are stuck gaming on the ps4/x1 and only play COD >_>.

  • Neeko

    The pro controller argument makes no sense. the author says nothing about the actual controller and only talks about the Wii U game issues. Now that I think about it…the XBone remote is the exact same way.

    REAL issues with the Pro Controler:

    1: Digital trigger buttons. We’re used to that legit trigger feel that allows for more dynamics in games. You had it on GameCube, why get rid of it?

    2: No TV remote option. If any of you have used a Gamepad before you know how convenient it is to be able to completely control your TV and gaming console with one device. All controllers should do this. Why not the Pro? (I know what the tech differences are, but it would be a nice addition to have).

    Those of you complaining about the switched joystick and buttons need to realize that there is more to life than an Xbox controller. (Though my favorite controller of all time is still the 360).

    BONUS: The Pro controller battery last 80 FREAKING HOURS. I only charge mine MAYBE once a month…and we play Smash and Hyrule Warriors with that thing an unhealthy amount of time.

  • Dirkster_Dude

    The X-Box One Media Remote is probably for those you want a familiar device controlling there TV. It reinforces the idea that the XB1 is a media device not just a gaming device. That is probably why it was made.

    If the U.S. Army can make money on a headset who cares what is plastered all over the device? I certainly am not going to care as long as it works because I will most likely be connecting to someone who has never met me, will never see me, and only cares about whether my voice comes in clear.

    As for the rest they do seem like even more pointless devices than these two.

  • disqus_pMsQpsXlMr

    So the fact that all consoles copied the D-Pad invented by nintendo is irrelevant I guess, buy a ps4 or X1 instead of wiiu when wiiu has dozens of great games, I only bought my X1 for Halo MCC and PS4 only for multi plats and maybe uncharted, the controller is solid unlike this article.