Dear Hearthstone Developers,
Diabolical. That’s what you are. You have that pitch perfect blend of complexity and brevity to keep me playing for hours, and for days, and for weeks on end. There’s time for so little else; Hearthstone, I fear, is consuming me.
I may or may not be developing feelings for Nat Pagle. I had a dream the other night that Ragnaros and Ysera started a family together; it was literally just like The Notebook, only with a scaly Ryan Gosling. If Hearthstone were my job, your people would owe me mad overtime.
You seem to have thought of everything, Stone of Hearth. Well, almost everything. I am writing to respectfully propose that you add an upgrade tree for emotes on your world class, highly addictive online trading card game.
There are several emotes that Hearthstone could benefit from, including (but of course, not limited to) the list that follows:
Yawn: Every once in a while, someone takes too long on their turn. Every once in a while, that person is me. A “yawn” would be more concise than “Hello,” simply because I’m super dense, and I will just say “Hello” back and think that we’re friends.
Your mother: This sounds mean, but it’s also adorable. How throwback. How quaint. And how ludicrous, when paired with certain drops. I think when you hear, “Mind if I roll ‘need’” and “your mother” together, it should be more funny than offensive, and hopefully lighten the mood. For me, anyway. (This would be particularly funny for me after Mana Addict…because your mom tastes the mana.)
Are you still sorry?: While there’s certainly a funnier way to say this, I’m sure if anyone can find it, Hearthstone can. We need a comeback, a way to retort. Obviously this can’t work if it’s always available. That’s why we should be able to buy a one-use insult from the Shop. If I had to pay 50 points just to tell someone, “What was that again?”, there are a handful of occasions where I would do it. Maybe “You’re welcome,” would suffice.
I hate you: Obviously “F you” is the one that I would like to see. “I’m going to come to your house and shit in your mailbox,” or “Eat a d**k,” or “You are a human cold sore;” these would all be great, too, but mostly I think that a simple, good old-fashioned “F yourself” is the emote that we’re all longing for. There’s also room for a “Wow” or a “WTF” or “Gouge your eyes out, you knob!”
Gotta go see a guy about a horse: I hate that if I have to get up to relieve myself somehow, there’s no way to tell the guy, “Thrall must pee!” And that’s malarkey.
Shit: An updated take on “Oops”, “Dammit” would more adequately represent my oh-well-but-still-how-lame frustration. “Oops” seems to suggest that I am more of a general idiot than “Dammit”, somehow, in my opinion.
To the face: I request this emote because every time that I buff a creature over 10, that’s all I can say out loud. As in, “Let’s see what I have here for you…oh, here we go—how’s about 12 to the face!”
Hearthstone is so much more than just a game. It’s a modern sonnet written in the style of the Urban Dictionary. It is a one-man play in 12 acts. It is Orange is the New Black, if the show had twice the number of boobs. Hearthstone is what happened when Harry met Sally. This deceptively simple game (your words, not mine) is all things to all people. What Hearthstone is not, however, is expressive enough. And only you have the power to give the players the asides, insults, retorts and shit-talkery we so crave.
So, as the kids say, what’s up? You gon’ add some new emotes, or nah?