Obviously the apocalypse is nigh, because Kim Kardashian is unveiling herself as the heroine of her own video game. Available the week of June 23, the very newly wed starlet and mother are the focal point of an iOS and Android game in which the object is to “create your own aspiring celebrity and rise to fame and fortune.”
In Kim Kardashian Hollywood, you play a pal to Kim K., who acts as your fairy godmother to a very charmed career, and offers pointers and style tips regarding the finer arts of being looked at, professionally. With her help, you play an unsullied, uninitiated Nobody, and your objective is to claw your way to the top. Well, not climb–obviously, not with your nails, girl! Dodge pesky stories being written about you, sign record deals, hook up with a few dudes (to be fair, these fellas DO buy you stuff), and get down on the get down at the “hottest Hollywood clubs.”
The game’s clear and present agenda isn’t to serve as a genuine field guide into how to make it big in Hollywood and show business. Nor was the game’s gist a light-hearted joke about how the Kardashian family has become, virtually, a multiracial version of the Simpsons, like a sort of half-cocked apology for being the Megan Fox of everyone’s entire life. No one asked me, but if you had, I would tell you that the reason this game is being released now is all part of some pre-orchestrated bid to prime the media pump for whatever solicitous publicity stunt is next to keep Kimye relevant. Who knows–maybe I can figure it or for myself using the life skills that the Kardashian avatar educates me to.
The whole thing takes an hour, roughly. You can Orange-is-the-New-Black it and shut that shit down in one sitting, or you can visit it on your Android or iPhone only when you want to feel better about yourself. How developers came up with an hour of riveting material and objectives relating to the Kardashian empire is beyond me. I think that saying the pop icon has done an hour of “work” to become the monolithic celebrity she is today is something of a stretch…but then, what would I really know?
You don’t get to do ALL the stuff that Kim had to do in order to make a name for yourself. Which is a shame, because I was really looking forward to seeing Ray J and Kanye’s 8-bit bits. The developer missed out on a really fantastic opportunity for some Killer Instinct style combos all over the avatar’s face.
Aside from not feeding Kim fish sticks, the app is about what you’d expect: you meet up with the celebrutaunt, who takes you to parties and clubs and walks you through the annals of fame. Players flirt with and meet men, and these love interests will then give the player’s character endless gifts, flowers and cash, because that is, of course, what real life is like. You negotiate contracts and get gigs and have a little gross Hollywood fun. A tragic footnote: These men are the source of your character’s currency to a large degree. These men give you gifts and money throughout the game. And eventually, you find one that gives you the biggest gift of all: true love. And money, also. More money, of course. That goes without saying. Maybe I’m just saying that’s sad because that’s what poor people are programmed to think…but I don’t know. A million Disney movies can’t be wrong, can they? It made my mouth drop, but that was about the long and short of Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood.
It seems the release, then, is more about the Kardashian fame-mobile than it is a legitimate offering for gamers. Most aren’t surprised to learn this. I thought maybe it would be cute, like Hanging with Friends but Kardashian themed. It seems to me that the point of this release is just to keep people talking. No doubt the media machine has five or more other Kardashian branded toys in the works. Wine, a painting class, Kim K. signature Lean Cuisine–the possibilities seem, unfortunately, endless.
There’s a few things I need too close with. For one, how come nobody EVER mentions how the Kardashian family REALLY became famous? Not just by being loosely related to Bruce Jenner, or by taking lots of A-list D, like you might think. Kim’s mother, Kris, was married to one of O.J. Simpson’s lawyers. She only married Jenner after her husband, Robert Jenner, passed. Is it necessarily relevant? Well, no more so than the Ray J. and Kim K. sex tape. But here we are. As the media focuses on how poor Bruce Jenner is slowly Michael-Jacksoning himself into a woman, I wonder why no one has approached the curse of the Kardashian vagina yet. There’s these things in the bible, they suck men’s souls…I can’t remember what they’re called…you give them three fifty, I think? What I mean is, why are we so fixated on these women? What is about them?
Secondly, has anyone ever seen the Kim Kardashian workout line? (It’s been sitting in my Amazon cart for about a year now…I can’t bring myself to actually buy it, but the idea of owning it is just titillating.) Remember the short-lived credit card? The Charman branded bathroom she endorsed in NYC’s Time Square? What about her endorsement of Carl’s Jr. or Midori Melon? We know about the perfume and the clothing line at Sears, but do you recall the swimming suit line, the Kim K. inspired candles? What I’m driving at, friends, is that despite whether we want to marry, bed or kill the sultry human blow-up doll, the truth is, she’s a goddamn genius. By marrying West, who is tied to Jay-Z, she has elevated herself to a sort of Beyoncé level of untouchable fame. She is an affliction and an obsession, and undeniably beautiful. Whether it’s real or fake doesn’t make much difference, does it? If a fake genie granted me three real wishes, I would never ask for a genie’s credentials ever again…she’s good for what people seem to need her for.
I have to conclude with a note about my actual feelings about this issue, not so satirically. (I have a colleague who told me an incredible story about a satire he wrote about Kim a few years ago. While it was just light-hearted and meant to be fun, it went viral when Paris Hilton tweeted it. So in some crazy case that anyone I’m talking about sees this, I just want to be succinct.) Kim Kardashian seems to people to represent everything that is wrong with this country: she’s been able to take a lot in life without putting out much work or giving too much back (although she is linked to some charitable work, too). I completely get women who would like to cross Kardashian off of the list of women their men jerk it to, and men who are just saturated with hearing her name in the news. I get it. I agree. She should maybe back out of the spotlight.
However, I can’t say that I hate Kim for what she’s become. It’s our fault, folks. If the goal is not to see her face anymore, then why do people keep talking about her? If you worked at a hospital, you wouldn’t beat a homeless guy half to death, right? Because then he’d be there at your job every day, not just someone you see on the way home anymore. (Please don’t beat up the transient–it’s a terrible analogy. ) If you hate Kim, Kanye, and their little dog, too (that’s a Wizard of Oz joke, not a dig at their baby), than just let them live their little lives. Make another trend. Don’t harass her, though. One day, I checked out her Instagram. Kim posts the nicest things, with sweet little captions, and occasionally pictures of her bare ass. Who doesn’t love that?
Apparently, tons of folk. Under every picture poor Kim shared was a slew of just horrible, terrible, no-good-very-bad things written about her, mostly from a bunch of Instagram Nobodies. “Here’s me having lunch with my mom!” prompted comments like “Eat a bag of dicks, whore!”, and “You are literally the grossest person who ever lived!” and other sundry, crushing insults. She is only human, folks, and she’s not even one of the worst. She might seem fake like Barbie, but Kim Kardashian is as real as global warming, and no good can come of poking that bear.
So, in summation, the video game kind of blows, but that’s to be expected from someone famous for…being famous for that. That doesn’t mean we should kill Kimye with sticks. To be fair, she doesn’t look like she probably holds her own in CoD, so I don’t think she could have offered up a cool video game if she tried. But she didn’t kill anybody, and neither did her lady bits–in the style of that leave-Britteny-alone-kid, I propose we see what motherhood doesn’t do to make her a more tolerable human being, and maybe declare a “Let’s All Ignore the Kardashians” holiday, starting now. Let’s play this fun game where you don’t try to make blow-up dolls cry, and don’t pick on Kayne just because he’s got perpetual foot-in-mouth disorder. I love his music (well, I did), and I love her tits, and together, let’s hope that they’ll make the sex tape to end all sex tapes. When’s THAT app gonna come out?